so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
