You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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