Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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