It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
