Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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