I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm just crazy horny about you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
