he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
