Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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