bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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