I just pynch a tree in the face
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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