her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
