true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
