i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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