Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
