i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
