who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
