he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
