I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
