I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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