You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
