my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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