I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
