if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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