Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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