I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
