Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
