she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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