how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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