I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
