So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
