haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
