please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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