o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
