what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
