Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
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Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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