So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
