Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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