you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
