I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Farmville is her only friend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
