If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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