Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
