The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
