Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
