I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
