Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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