I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
MIDGETS
????
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
