I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
