if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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