you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
