So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
