Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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