I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
