Soap is not a condiment
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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