Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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