I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
