I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
