Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
