Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
