I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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