i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
